When you think of BDSM and dominatrices, what images does your mind conjure: black leather, latex, hot wax, humiliation? Perhaps you’re reminded of titillating scenes from the shows Billions, Euphoria,...
When you think of BDSM and dominatrices, what images does your mind conjure: black leather, latex, hot wax, humiliation? Perhaps you’re reminded of titillating scenes from the shows Billions, Euphoria, or Death and Other Details; or the movie Sanctuary, which devotes an entire 96 minutes to the subject matter. (You can read Eva’s take on that below.) Maybe you draw a blank because this realm lies beyond your purview or direct experience of sexuality, sensuality, and relationships.
Eva and Miriam in Cirsi
Like most sex work, this topic remains largely shrouded in mystery, assumption, and intrigue. Eva Oh, our new favorite whip-smart, business-savvy, badass dominatrix had a few of her own preconceptions before embarking on a professional BDSM journey in 2011. During her 13 years in this world, she evolved from an apt pupil (doing eight sessions a day) to a high-demand professional and sought-after consultant (offering four sessions a month). These days she is adding podcaster, social-media influencer, and published author to the list.
Eva did not set out for a lifelong career in this line of business (yes, she will confirm, sex work is work). Like most of her life choices, it developed organically and she went with the flow. What started out as a quasi-dare in jest quickly morphed into an all-encompassing lifestyle that leveraged Eva’s strengths and skillsets—assertion, directness, and open-mindedness, to name a few. Now, she navigates success, responsibility, mentorship, and massive demand for her talent, support, and expertise with her trademark fluidity and lack of judgment.
Eva recently took time out of her jet-setting schedule to pull back the curtain and provide a peek into her life as a dom. Yes, it’s often exciting, sexy, and boundary pushing. And it is perhaps surprisingly compassionate, vulnerable, and human—and so much more in ways that may subvert expectations of the uninitiated.
Eva and Miriam in Onyx
Thistle and Spire loves a quick and dirty background. Can you tell us how you got into this line of work?
It was something casually mentioned to me a while ago, based on my communication style, which is fairly straightforward and sometimes task oriented towards men—it was a joke made by my then boyfriend. I stored away that info and didn’t think much of it at the time. Then when I was in a job I didn’t like for a few months, I realized I needed to do something else that would bring in money fast. I was living in a decriminalized place [for sex work] at the time, so there were facilities that were teaching and operating with licenses. I found one that was hiring, and was on their books two weeks later. It was a BDSM dungeon in Sydney, Australia, which was in operation for 40 years. I stayed about a year, until they closed. There were about 30 dominatrices at that time, and now it’s an Asian brothel.
Did you have any assumptions or done any vetting before starting?
I just read their website, going in a bit blind for the interview. All I had to go on were profiles of the other people working there, and stories of sessions and parties that they held inside those walls. Before that, I had this image of a woman in black leather holding a whip and nothing else. When I went in for the interview, which was incredibly short, all they did was ask if I had done sex work. I said, “I didn’t realize this was sex work.” I was very naïve and ignorant about that world.
Eva in Kane
Do you know what to expect with clients, or have you been surprised?
When I was in the dungeon, we had a range of people and it was very obvious that the fetishes were feet, golden showers, restraints, and anal play. That may have changed since 2011. When you’re someone who doesn’t do judgment well, very little has shocked me. There have been instances where I’ve been asked private questions in sessions, which was difficult at first because I compartmentalized my private life. But now I know how to maneuver that.
When interested or curious neophytes ask about this world and how to get started, what do you tell them?
I normally tailor what I say to the person in front of me and it depends on the motivations, like reclaiming power, alternative income, or an interest in kink. An important thing I learned when I started was the psychology behind power dynamics, understanding ourselves, and having empathy. These kink spaces are for us to explore the fringes of our emotions and the ways that we are told we’re supposed to be. It can be about whips and chains and the aesthetic, but more deeply it’s about the exploration of the taboo due to societal control. To get someone started, I offer the reading list when I began at the dungeon, which included Different Loving by Dr. Gloria Brame, SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, and The New Topping and Bottoming book. I also refer them to my podcast [#teakink] and others about BDSM.
There are YouTube videos that are helpful, but should also be taken with a pinch of salt. There is a helpful website called fetlife.com that includes events, workshops, and social meet ups, where you can start to immerse yourself into the community and learn about different options. It’s important to figure out how you like to learn and seek out the according resources.
Eva in Cirsi
Is there anything you would tell them that you wish someone had shared with you when you started?
Professionally, I would tell them to keep in mind while making decisions that they are a freelancer running a small business and to think about how sustainable some of those decisions are in a branding sense. On a personal level, we’re all taught to be in this little box in life, and suddenly this world gave me an avenue to explore a part of me that was very present but didn’t have much room to move. When I did discover this space, I went wild at first and moved through the world in this mad state where I didn’t ask for consent from the people around me. I was bullish with my newfound expression of authority. It may not happen to everybody, but it’s important to understand that when we start to open these doors sometimes floodgates can open, so it’s useful to have people around who can keep us in check.
Are there specific characteristics required to get into this line of work, or can it all be taught on the job?
It depends on how good of a learner you are. You need to know a bit about running a business, branding, and how to utilize your skills while creating an understandable version of that. That separation can be challenging for people who haven’t practiced it. There are technical aspects like accounting, spreadsheets, ideal clients, customer service, and marketing. These may not be as interesting, but they are more important than people may realize when they get started in this work. Their lives will be easier if they are more naturally inclined to those business fundamentals. Also, an incredible asset is the ability to set aside your ego and read the person in front of you. Openness to new skill sets and humility are useful in this work, especially when it comes to keeping yourself and your people safe.
Eva and Miriam in Minna
How has this journey evolved in the last 13 years?
It started in the dungeon and not knowing the physicality of things. I was interested in the psychology of it, which came very naturally to me. The theater and story parts of the sessions came very quickly, but I was knocking out up to eight sessions a day in the confines of the space. Once it shut down and we were all forced out, I went independent, and that’s when my business brain started taking over and it was about understanding market positioning, approach, aesthetic, and the brand. One thing led to another, which led to a burnout period when my boundaries and guard were down. I was out of the industry for over a year, when I did a social work diploma and some sex-work organization. I came back to the job and realized I needed to capitalize on ways that didn’t require so much of my time. I created my own website and an OnlyFans account, which is the majority of my income.
Now I do four sessions a month instead of eight a day, at ten times the price. The structure has changed and some people pay an annual sum. Society and social media are so different now, and I’m just riding that wave. In doing so, I have learned that I can help break apart that stigma through interviews like this, through my memoir, and through the podcast.
Miriam in Minna
So, there is still stigma and discrimination around your role as a sex worker?
Yes, but I think I have learned how to speak to it better and how to position myself. I shouldn’t have to, but I have a vocabulary now that I didn’t have before and I have a tone of voice. I have tools to break those things down, so I don’t have to experience them so heavily. But it’s not so fun interacting with government authorities, even if it’s somewhat legal, like when I’m crossing borders or relying on police for support or taking my word because of what I do for work. I’ve told my nuclear family, but their choice is for me not to tell my extended family. Many of them might be fine with it, but there are different levels of stigma and not being accepted that I am still navigating.
When you started this in your 20s, did you roll it out to your family immediately? How did they respond to your news about this line of work?
No, it took seven years. I have a podcast episode about coming out to my mom. I should have told her sooner, but I think it’s the vocabulary thing too. I didn’t have that back then, and needed it to have the conversation. I ended up texting the family group, but the game plan was to take them on holiday and have conversations about it. My mother accepted it and was joking about it within half an hour. She’s a conservative Bible school teacher, and I didn’t realize the levels of compassion they have. I only saw the conservatism and was ready to be disowned, but it worked out.
Eva and Miriam in Kane
That’s a great segue into your podcast #teakink. I started listening to it, recently subscribed, and I love it! And please tell us about your new tea line.
Oh, thank you! It is still intimidating for me to hear that because it’s me talking alone or with a friend and to think that people are listening to it independently of me being there. Usually I can inflect and communicate something that’s in my brain, but I have no control over that with #teakink. It started because I was obsessed with tea ceremony and I was pouring it for my dom friends. They suggested I start something similar since it’s a nice format for conversation. I wanted a creative outlet and realized how useful it was for people, so I want to keep going with it. The goal is to add to the dialogue as a sex worker rather than having people speak for me.
The tea line I’ve been thinking about for many years, and this is the first time I found a supplier who followed through. I drink these two teas (jasmine silver tip and aged port oolong) every day, so it’s nice to have them, and they make great gifts. I have been strategic in making it available in time for the holidays.
Eva and Miriam in Onyx
With the advent of social media, a lot of boundaries between the private and public have come down. Has that benefited your work or demystified it in any way?
Yes, but because people get to see my own narrative—via the podcast and interviews—l have to curate my own narrative to comply with guidelines. I often think about how my career would look without that limitation. I wondered what the most banal and innocuous thing I could come up with would be, and thought, “Well, people like tea. I like tea. It’s kind of dowdy, so let’s just put that out there.” It was like censorship evasion. Even though there are celebrities who use sexuality to promote their products, they are not monetizing sexuality itself, so that makes me more of the problem. I’ve had to be very careful—I can’t have another person in the shot, so I do a lot of solo shoots. I have a tea brand, so I can sell it on social media as a brand they’d like to keep online. I wear less make up. I’m censoring myself based on what can be accepted and shown and keep me out of Instagram jail or stay platformed.
It’s interesting to think about how much of my behavior I have changed because of the puritanical view of some terms and conditions. Hashtags will get you shadow banned, so I was like, “Well, fuck you.” The hashtag in the title is a little rebellious. I think my continuous choice to be how I am is probably enough of a rebellion for me.
Miriam in Onyx
Is there a contrast between common misconceptions about what you do versus your lived experience?
I think everybody has that limitation in their own perspective of others’ experiences, but there are a lot of assumptions about sex work that people don’t necessarily have around other jobs, like being an accountant, for example. It’s more interesting for them to scandalize what this job might entail. One question I get a lot is, “Do you hate men? You have to beat them up, so you must hate them.” It was common from women who resented their place in society and blamed men for that. A session is something of empathy, not hate or prejudice, though. I find it an interesting contract for people to experience vulnerability and hand over power for a moment in time. People are so defensive and so scared, so it’s a great experience to be able to let go and be vulnerable. That’s really nice for me because I’m not good at façade or social dances, so just getting to the truth, even if it’s a negotiated truth even for a short time, is quite refreshing.
I would be remiss in not broaching the lingerie and wardrobe topic. Do you have a sartorial favorite? Do you leave those choices up to clients?
When I first started, I asked what to wear. I wasn’t making much money, so I ended up wearing leather leggings, a leather bra, and platform boots for the first year. It was simple, but totally worked. Sometimes clients make requests, especially when they fetishize certain outfits. If they prefer a sensual side, they are more likely to want to see lingerie than full latex. For the most part, I go with the tone of the message they send me and choose what I want. My personal favorites are very mood dependent.
I didn’t have much of a relationship to lingerie before work. There wasn’t much exposure and it seemed more taboo back then to discuss lingerie brands with friends. Now it’s easy to mention it and talk about in a social media post. When that became my uniform and something I could think about spending money on, I started to better understand the possibilities. I wear a lot of black, but lingerie is where I bother going into detail because of the craftsmanship that’s possible. It’s like an artform and an interesting tool.
Is there anything you’d like our audience to know that you don’t get asked enough?
I just finished my memoir, which will be coming out soon. It took six years to write because of a divorce, Covid, and two writing coaches. I also do these mentoring calls. I respond a lot to what people ask me after listening to the podcast. I’ve had teens from Kuwait who want to talk about sexuality. I’ve had government negotiators talk to me about submission because they’re battling with just never wanting to relent. I get a lot of doms asking about their business, and couples asking about how to explore power dynamics. There are so many people who recognize something in me—maybe a freedom?—and they want to see what that can do for them. It’s inspiring. People are so curious and wanting more for their lives, and some are ready to ask those questions. Having those conversations is the important thing.
How to find Eva:
Instagram.com/youwillplease_me
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